Mental Health

Hello everyone I hope that you have all had an amazing week, I thought I'd just come on here today and just talk through some things I've realised this week and just what I am going through at the moment. I'm not doing this as a pity thing more as a hope to help other people maybe going through the same thing so that they realise they aren't alone.

So I am now 4 weeks through my 6 weeks of placement for this summer. This week I was at the stables again and I feel like I helped a lot of kids this week with learning to ride and I took a bit more initiative when doing jobs around the yard. This week I also helped to explain what it takes to get into vet school to a 13 y/o who said she wanted to be a vet. I think that some people really don't realise what it takes but the thought that I could help this girl was lovely and I wish her all the best with getting into uni. Also this week I've been reflecting on my year out, I think it was the best thing that could have happened to me at that point in my life. In my year out I worked and saved a lot of money, went on some amazing holidays and really grew as a person and matured into a more rounded person which helped me so much when I got to uni. So if you are faced with the prospect of taking a year out whether by choice or due to exam results or sickness, think of it as an opportunity to enjoy yourself and get some savings for when you get to uni.

Now onto the mental health topic. I think that this is such an important topic to talk about. In the past I have struggled with mental health and still to this day I have good and bad days. Recently due to the stress of uni and the rest of my life I broke up with my long term boyfriend, now this was a really hard thing for me to do because though it may sound weird I didn't want it to happen, I sort of fell out of love due to where I am mentally right now and where my life is at. Luckily we are both still good friends and talk every day which is a great help to me because I think he is an incredible person and I'm so lucky that he understands where my head is at right now and can support me through this.

I always knew that university was going to be hard, I have a tendency to put a lot of pressure on myself and be very harsh to myself all the time, so along with all of the sport that I do and the university hours it can all build up and be very overwhelming from time to time. This is where my issue comes in. I can't stop. This is something I've always struggled with, people will often just say to me my parents included well you don't have to do all the things you do. In my head it's a different story, I tell myself that I constantly need to be working hard in the gym, in the library and on my diet and my body. The thought of stopping scares me because if something goes wrong because I stopped and chilled then it's my fault and only my fault. I don't know how I am ever going to change this mentality and probably at university next year I will go to the mental health service and try to get some help, I'm just worried they'll say what everyone else has always said. Deep down I don't know if I want to change because I am proud of my work ethic and what its got me in life however I know that I won't be able to continue like this forever. Internally is like a constant battle to keep going and keep being better and improving when I know that I just need to be happy with where I am right now.

Secondly my body image, I have a fitness Instagram which I post on regularly (@simply_fit_sam) I am proud of it and I push myself bloody hard in the gym to try and better myself, by training 9 times a week even in holidays. However even though I do this, every time I look in the mirror I don't like what I see, my stomach isn't flat enough, my legs have too much fat and not enough muscle, all I see is my imperfections. I have quite a few dresses that I brought with friends and don't have the confidence to pull out of my wardrobe and wear because you can see my tummy fat in them. Mentally its a struggle because I want to be able to love myself and I think that that is one of the reasons my relationship fell apart because I currently don't have the ability to love myself, which I am working on. I have always been the girl who doesn't give a F what anyone thinks of her, I will do what I believe to be right and so people can think what they want but that doesn't phase me however I am my own worse critic, in my head there will quite often be things going around in there that aren't true but it is the way I perceive myself though I wish I didn't. I am working on changing this and I know that this is something I am going to have to work on everyday and will take a long time but I have to do this myself no one else can do it for me and when I am able to stand there and say I love myself then and only then do I feel like I'll truly be happy and able to love another person with all my heart.

If you are reading this and you relate to any of these issues feel free to comment or dm me on insta I'd love to hear from you and give you words of encouragement. I think that talking about things like this really helps move past it and I hope that one day I'll be able to come on here and say that I found self love, but until then I'll keep you updated.

I hope you have enjoyed reading this and that you are all well and have had a wonderful weekend. Just remember this week if you feel down try to smile at someone because it'll make you feel better and you never know it could make someone else's day :)