Week 18 BVSc mental health

Hello lovelies, I hope that you all had wonderful weeks last week and that you achieved some goals and are ready to start a new week. This week I'm just going to do a mental health kind of update, I want to put this out there because, I feel like if I share what I'm going through then I could maybe help someone reading this not to feel as alone and maybe if I share how I'm trying to develop myself then someone else could turn their lives around.

So first I'm gonna tell you what I've been feeling and what's been going on then I'll explain why I'm finding it hard to change then what I'm trying to change.

As everyone does, I have off days, recently these off days have been hitting me pretty hard. Last week I'd say that I had 2 bad days. When I have a bad day it normally starts off with me being alone and shutting myself off in a public place, often I'll be listening to music and I'll just be inside my head and all my thoughts go dark and it's like inside my head turns into a black void. I know I'm explaining this really badly but oh well I'll keep going. When this black void opens up I struggle to get back to being me for the rest of the day, I end up fully shutting off from people and wanting to be alone and not wanting to talk to people. Last week this hit me particularly bad and it got to the point where I thought I'd start crying if someone were talk to me, like I had a lump in my throat. I don't understand why I go into these episodes but I'll try and explain some of the thoughts that I get when I get into this state.

Here are the things I'm struggling with, I know that everyone is different and though you may struggle with completely different things, I just want to put my experience out there, and trust me I already know my brain is messed up.

1. I struggle to stop; so for me I plan my whole week out on a Sunday night, because I like to know what I'm doing at every point each day, I always make sure that I'm doing something useful. For me this means that I don't give myself any true time off, I'm either doing university related things or I'm rowing. I feel sorry for my friends because I do complain about this, however at the same time I don't think I can take the time off and not worry about this.I have a reasonably full on university course and I train for rowing 8+ times a week so I feel like around that i can never really stop.  
2. Nothing is ever enough; I am always trying to do university work, and trying to figure out how my brain works best, because for me I have always worked very hard to just get the grades I need. I worked very hard over Christmas for my January exams and I still only just passed 2 and failed 1. At first I wasn't too worried about this but then looking back I thought, I worked so hard but not correctly and I still didn't do that well. Therefore my brain translates that to "you can never take any time off because what if you take some time off and fall behind and fail the whole year and have to drop out of uni". I just feel like I'll never be able to do well. 
3. I don't socialise; I am often very tired, most of the time I'm not really sure why, maybe a combination of not sleeping very well and always being switched on. Hence I never go out because I don't want to waste any time in which I could be working, and I don't want to be even more tired. I also don't like drinking, I don't like the way it makes me feel and also the thought of not being in control is scary. So on nights out I often tend to try and look after people and don't have a great time. So I just don't go out. This does cut me off sometimes but also I feel like I can be very selfish because I don't mind being alone a lot of the time. I have never been the type of person to surround themselves with a group of friends, I'd rather walk alone and I don't mind who I sit with in lectures. For me it has never been important to have people there for me. Apart from by best friend Abbie and my BF Jack. I have no idea how to fix this because I struggle to have fun. 
4. I'm shattered and worried; This is mainly about the future, whats going to happen if I can't cope with uni? how am I going to cope when I've got a job? I don't want to be like this my whole life, I want to be happy and at least a bit care free. I know that some of my issues could be fixed if I took a break, I wouldn't be as shattered and just constantly tired, but at the same time, I can't do that my brain can't do that because there are always things I've got to be doing and if i take a break maybe something bad would happen. The thought of taking a break scares me more than the possibility of maybe feeling better afterwards. I also know that the amount of training I do for rowing doesn't help, but all the others manage it so I should be able to as well. Also I don't want to loose my progress in the gym and with my fitness. 

So these are the issues I have, I am trying to work them out. The solution in theory is so simple, just stop and take a break, in reality it isn't that simple for me. I'm going to have to slowly bring it into my life and maybe if I can't fix it myself I'll go and talk to someone, I still don't see how this will help me because at the end of the day it's me who is going to change myself. All I know is that I want to change and I don't want this to become worse I want to get better and I want to enjoy uni life and life beyond that. 

I know this is very depressing but I thought that it could help someone. I want to remind everyone to smile at people in the street, because you never know that they could be having a down day and maybe your smile will help them get through it and put a smile on their face.