THE HARD TRUTH

I shall start today’s blog with a question. Have you ever been in a room full of people and felt completely alone? For me that happened quite frequently my whole school life. In prep school I lived in the library because the books would talk to me and the stories were some fun to be wrapped up in. In senior school it got better however I still quite often had days where I was shattered from swimming and work and life that I would feel totally alone. With no one to talk to I would just carry on. Thinking that it was my swimming keeping me sane. Looking back on it all I think it was my swimming and the support system I had there. When that fell apart so did I. I got to a very low point where every day I was just trying to get through the day, I was a shell of a person and finishing the day was the only aim. After speaking to someone I tried to have a brighter outlook on things but that didn’t change the fact that during my final year of school more often than not I felt alone like no one cared and that I was invisible. Never invisible to my teachers but that’s what made people annoyed with me because I was a “try hard” who was going to get into uni first time. Well that didn’t happen did it. At school I think people didn’t “get me” because I didn’t like drinking and I refused to drink because it was socially cool I wasn’t didn’t care for gossip and I didn’t socialise much however though this set me apart from the crowd I never once changed who I was to please them. I knew I would never see most of them again, so it didn’t matter. Never change who you are in order to try and please people in the end you will only end up hurting yourself. Being alone is a horrible feeling.

 When you are actually alone it is acceptable however when surrounded by people it’s terrible and eats you up. I often felt that way and hoped that when I got to uni it would all be different, and people would accept me. Having to wait another year for this is testing but I’m coping. I find it hard when I plan everything down to the hour and have to get it all done, then my parents say to the plans well all you have to do now is put as much effort into your academics as you did making the plan. Little do they see that I try with everything I have. Last year I have it my all and that wasn’t enough. This year I’m having to give 110% and learn to believe in myself again. I find it hard to switch off my brain is always going I’m writing this at 11:50pm because I need to say this, I have days where I just want to collapse and never wake up, a moment in time where I don’t have to care about life and all its problems where I can just be and not worry. I know this won’t happen though and I know that I must carry on.

I’m sorry to be so depressing but I wanted to say that just to show people that when you feel alone you’re not there will be people feeling just the same find them and talk to them. Keeping things like what I’ve just said inside eats you up. I want you all to know that no one can be you. You are the best version of you there will ever be show the world that don’t try and be someone else stick to being you. I may come across as positive and I’m sorry I keep talking about mental health, but I feel it’s so important. I come across as positive but everyone I repeat everyone will feel alone at some point everyone will have bad days but the strength that you show to get through the bad days shows who you are as a person and the true strength you possess. I want everyone to feel wanted and to feel needed. I know this isn’t always the case but believe that somewhere someone needs you and wants you when you are feeling most alone, smile to yourself and be happy you don’t have to feel alone you never do and I want people to know that because when I was at school I didn’t. Next time you feel alone in a room full of people do one thing for me. Just smile. You will feel better and others may smile back proving to you that you are invisible that you aren’t unnoticed and that you are important.